I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
