oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
