i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
