can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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