Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
