btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So much rum. So many feels.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
