so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
