Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
