Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
