I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
