alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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