Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
