Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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