Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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