I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
