Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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