Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
