My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
