It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
