Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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