just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
