you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
