I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
