were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
