Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
