This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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