Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
