I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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