The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
