I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
