shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
