I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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