Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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