Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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