He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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