I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
