My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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