I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my phone needs a breathalizer
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
