I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
