I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
