Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
