Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
