you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Randomize
