I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
