I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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