The maid of honor just puked.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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