So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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