i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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