Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
