I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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