I don't remember. Are we still dating?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
