I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
